I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
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