I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
