Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
