Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize