I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
