so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
