Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
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