Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
You were trust falling into bushes
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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