Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
