I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
