According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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