Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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