Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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