I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
