Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Randomize
