how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
