I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
