sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
