Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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