So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
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