Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
