Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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