We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
