I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize