Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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