i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
