ADVERTISEMENT

• (586): View more from Michigan

  I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk

  (586): View more from Michigan

  I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite

  Fav 4 1568 675

  share tweet
  

• (435): View more from Utah

  Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'

  Fav 26 2811 8428

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (559): View more from California

  he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.

  Fav 18 4956 1534

  share tweet
  

• (801): View more from Utah

  Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.

  Fav 4 1134 2893

  share tweet
  

• (860): View more from Connecticut

  I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.

  Fav 11 1027 2938

  share tweet
  

• (510): View more from California

  EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!

  Fav 22 2087 6397

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (206): View more from Washington

  Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?

  Fav 14 1159 5593

  share tweet
  

• (410): View more from Maryland

  That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.

  Fav 9 2897 826

  share tweet
  

• (914): View more from New York

  So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED

  Fav 5 614 653

  share tweet
  

• (+49): View more from Germany

  ... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.

  Fav 0 655 344

  share tweet
  

• (314): View more from Missouri

  Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.

  Fav 2 1112 552

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (925): View more from California

  Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?

  Fav 2 504 305

  share tweet
  

• (612): View more from Minnesota

  To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs

  Fav 1 334 185

  share tweet
  

• (716): View more from New York

  The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.

  Fav 0 56 7

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (707): View more from California

  THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.

  Fav 0 56 10

  share tweet
  

Randomize