I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
