My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
