I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
