I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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