i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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