I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
