You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
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