what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
