Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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