Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
