My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Randomize
