I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize