i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
