my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
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