we have officially lost it.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
