If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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