erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
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