I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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