new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
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