my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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