It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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