I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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