The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
