ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
