Sry I called you an 8
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
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