I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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