I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
