I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Randomize