btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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