me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
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