I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
So vagazzling was a success
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
