exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
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