I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I wish there were birth control emojis
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
