____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
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