you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
