My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
